Souls and Time

    To quote Emily Dickinson, which is rare and may never happen again, "The heart wants what it wants - or else it does not care."  I have never felt so connected to a line more than I do right now.  But I think she's right and maybe that's where I'm going wrong right now, I'm just trying to tell my heart that what it wants is definitely NOT WHAT IT WANTS but really there is no convincing it otherwise.
    I grew up thinking that everyone had one person that they belonged with and you would hopefully end up spending their lives together. I genuinely believed in soul mates. Then at some point, I started to believe that we have more than one soul mate because what unfair and cruel world do we live in that we may not ever meet our other halves? We meet so many people in our lives who fit so perfectly and everyone serves some purpose, but not all of them are our “soul mates.” There has to be something about them that keeps you connected. Some piece of your soul matches theirs and when you first met, you might have felt something but thought it was just a small crush before it disappeared. Maybe You met when you were too young to understand the idea of soul mates and love or the timing just didn’t work out.​

I also started to believe, following my second theory of multiple soul mates, that I had already met the ones who should be mine.  These are all people who I have been connected to in some way and keep coming back to somehow. And there are signs too. The way someone says something or the way we have something so obscure in common - the commonalities that bind us together. I met most of them when I was a teenager.  I didn’t know what I thought. I was just friends with them and I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t understand love and I thought that I was in love with everyone all the time. My “crushes” quickly turned into something more than that for me and looking back, I wish I could tell my younger self that she needs to pump the brakes because not every boy is breaking her heart. I always thought that I was connected to certain people.  It didn’t matter how much I pushed them away, I always found myself friends with them again. I just attribute that to the fact that kids in high school are in confined spaces and go back to what they’re comfortable with. Having multiple soul mates always helped me cope with the idea that I was not meant to be alone forever. Things might not have worked out with the ones I thought I met when I was younger, but I would still meet someone who is meant to be with me.
    I stopped believing in soul mates a while ago.  I think it was around the time that I had stopped believing in love.  I mean, you can’t believe in one without the other - soul mates are all about love, right?  I went through some things and decided love wasn’t worth it. I didn’t want anything to do with it because why would I want something that just hurt so much?  The pain didn’t seem worth it anymore. I stopped looking to date anyone new and I only started looking at Tinder and Bumble for the sake of seeing what was out there.  I wasn’t really interested in anything happening because I knew I wasn’t going to feel anything for a stranger and I had no interest in making new “friends.” Besides, every time that I would connect with someone, the date would get canceled and then we would end up not talking anymore. I’m not going to waste my time if it isn’t going to go anywhere meaningful.
    It’s hard to just give up on something you believed in with so much passion.  I’m realizing that now and I am slowly starting to believe that maybe love is real and that soul mates are also real. I grew up thinking my soul mate lived right across town.  It’s very possible that that was true. The problem with love and soul mates and everything being the way you want it to be is that you have to rely on time. And time is a tricky matter.  Sometimes everything falls into place and comes together all at once and the timing is perfect. Other times, you meet someone and things feel great, but you’re living in two different parts of the country or your lives are on different paths - time isn’t letting you work things out.  Time doesn’t put you and your person on the same path so you have to work for it, you have to wait, or you have to start to believe that it just isn’t meant to be. That’s the part I don’t want to accept. I don’t want to believe that time is against me because it’s just not fair. I gave up on love because I was hurt.  I didn’t do anything for more than two years in regards to actually trying to date and I just did whatever I wanted with guys even if it meant lowering my standards or hurting other people because caring was not something I felt capable of at the time. Here I am though, in one of the perfect points of my life where things can work out for me and I have to keep questioning time because I know that the timing is not right.  
    I get that life isn’t fair.  I have tried to accept that for like my entire life. But I just want it to work out for me now… This whole heart vs. brain vs. time vs. soul mates or whatever battle kills me because some of us just need to know now.  I am not a patient person when it comes to the way I feel and I am willing to work for whatever, but I just want answers and answers that work in my favor. I’m tired of waiting because girlfriend ain't getting any younger and I’m six months away from starting a new chapter in my life with some very big decisions to make.

But here I am talking about love and soul mates when I’m still just the girl who only wants to write about heartbreak, so what do I know?

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