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For the sake of keeping my site appropriate, I will be using PG words when necessary.
What I don’t understand is how dumb I’ve been. I’ve never thought of myself as dumb, but now I’m questioning it. I mean, I know when it comes to school I’m really good at it; I’m smart and I take pride in that. However, when it comes to guys and relationships I’m not that bright. I mean, I am but I’m not… are you following? After the first time you would think one would become smart and learn. But real life and school are different. With this you have to go through the same thing several times, often with the same person, before you learn the lesson being taught. With me, it’s the same lesson, with a different guy, and a year later. I’m your typical seventeen year old who goes for The Jerk every time. Even after he’s gone, I can’t get enough. I’m attracted to the cute, tall, blue/green eyed and seemingly perfect guy. But I also always forget that I’m a magnet for: The Jerk. The Jerk is the guy who knows how to get the girl. He knows what to say, how to say it; when to kiss her, hug her, or tell her she’s cute. He knows how to please her in the simplest ways. But then he begins to think he wants something else… he moves on; makes excuses like “Oh, I just don’t want to see anyone” when he really means, “I just don’t want you” knowing the girl will believe him. This is after he realizes one of two things: a) he is no longer interested or b) he never really was. Maybe to him she was just a filler, the “between girls” girl, even though she was beginning to think more of him. Then there’s the “nice guy.” The Nice Guy will always be there for the girl. He’s her best friend. He listens when The Jerk, may even be one of his friends, hurts the girl. The Nice Guy is always right in front of the girl. And yet I never want that. Not because he’s The Nice Guy, but because I have a specific want for a relationship. One characteristic that sets The Nice Guy and The Jerk apart. I want it to be destructively amazing. The Nice Guy may be the most attractive person ever, however if I feel a relationship would be too good I wont go for it. I would rather have a destructive relationship because I’m not perfect. I’m almost destructive and I want my relationship to reflect that. But it should be amazing because I want to be in love. Now at this point you might be thinking, “Jackie, by destructive to you mean where you’re being beaten or always upset?” Ha, no. That’s not what I mean at all. I’m a very stubborn person. I do get into fights sometimes. I want to be able to fight with whomever I’m with and know in a couple hours we’ll be fine. I’ll be able to say I love you and we’ll get over whatever it is that started it. A year ago, I thought I loved someone and had this. A few months ago, I thought I wanted love. Now, I don’t know what I want. I mean, I’m pretty sure my idea of love and your idea of love are completely different. Yes, it’s an emotion. And yes you share it with others. But the way you express it is not the same to everyone. I don’t believe that sex represents love. To me, sex is just an action; everyone does it. It might be an emotion but not as strong as love. Small acts and gestures represent love to me, because it’s the little things that should matter the most. After two guys, who in their own ways, have been outted as jerks, I should have learned something else. Besides what I believe of love now, I should have learned how to find the cute, sweet, best friend type. But like I said, that’s now what I want. I might still want the most recent and I should move on, but I somehow don’t want to just quite yet. This has to do with the belief that you can’t fight your feelings. You don’t choose who you’re attracted to. And you can’t say I only think that because I’m a teenage girl. Adults have said it, too. Things may never happen the way I want, but I’m not going to force myself to stop feeling this way. Besides, I spent a whole year with “hope” written on my mirror, I can’t give up now. Then again the urges (for lack of a better word) may never go away. But isn’t that normal for any teen? I want something else, something more, you could say, but doesn’t everyone? We all look for someone to have in our lives, someone to hold us close at night or to say goodnight to before we fall asleep. Whether it is The Jerk or The Nice Guy. We all want it. A couple of weeks ago, on Facebook, I posted something along the lines of “I’m a stereotypical teen girl, find me a stereotypical teen guy, and let us have the stereotypical teen relationship.” Jordan came back and described the typical teen relationship as the one with The Jerk. For about an hour and a half we talk about the things I put in this rant. We compared our beliefs and had a great heart-to-heart. Jordan, along with Sam Pavone, has been able to get through to me. They are my go to heart-to-hearts. My favorites pretty much. I may not fully believe in love, but I do know what I want and how I feel. If that seems wrong to you, fine, I don’t care about how you feel about that. I shouldn’t have to settle for something I don’t want just to get something, and if that makes me dumb then so be it. I mean why else do I have a website called “Jackie Doesn’t Know Crap?” For now I that’s all I have to say. Keep coming back. And always remember I’m Jackie and I don’t know crap.
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Well. First of all, I have to say I’m sorry. Work, school, and sleep seem to have taken over everything! I won’t promise that I’ll have The Oscars results (not that you don’t know them already by now) up soon, but I will say I will still write about them. Working seems to be picking up. I still like my job, but not as many people as I used to. At times it’s still fun, other times not so much. I guess it depends on the crew and stuff.
School. Haha. I’ve been killin’ myself over it. So much work and so much planning. I never thought I would stress myself so much over colleges. A year ago I wasn’t even sure if I was going to apply to an actual school or if I was just going to go to Tri-C for two years. I guess I’m still kind of undecided but I think I know what I want to do. I really want to be something with writing. Whether I’m just a journalist or if I’m a legit author of a book. That part I don’t know yet, but I want to do it. SATs and ACTs are going to be stressful. I’m probably just going to take them this summer/fall. I don’t even know how to study for them. I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I will take the SAT in June. And hopefully do really well on it. Uhm. Boys? Yeah, I don’t really have much to say about themmm. I’m not to fond of them. I thought I had something, but of course that would go wrong. I mean why wouldn’t it? Everything seemed so hunky dory that it would work out,and hten it didn’t. He started making excuses, I started trying harder, and things just got worse. We’re friends I guess, but I guess I’ll never really know becuase we don’t talk as much as we used to anymore. My oscars. I have the whole review thing done, I just have to type it out and what not and be done with that. Summer starts on May 7th with Iron Man 2. But I might even make summer a week early with Nightmare on Elm Street April 30. I’m not sure yet. You will definitely get reviews on those. Nightmare is my favorite ’80s horror film and I’m hoping it’ll be a good one. My spring break has been pretty laid back. Pretty much just reading, doing homework, and working. Tomorrow I have some plans with a couple of the guys, but they’re the only people I have plans with. Then Saturday and Sunday I’m back to working before I go back to school. My life has been pretty busy, but boring the past couple of months. I hope that with summer coming things will pick up. Maybe I’ll even get a cute boy for the summer? I don’t know.. Things happen when they happen. We don’t control it. But for now, keep checking back, I’ll try to keep posting. And always remember: I’m Jackie and I don’t know crap. (: |
AuthorJust a 20something trying to get by in life. Archives
April 2020
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