I like to write letters to people who’ll never read them.

All the time, I write little notes or letters; it’s my way of venting. It’s my own way to allow myself the chance to see my feelings on paper. That’s kind of how this website is. I say my feelings out loud then let the world see.
The only difference is when I write on here I might only give half-truths. The whole truth goes into a separate notebook with letters addressed to my mother or in my story notebook addressed to a boy who I’ve repressed my feelings for. Either way, those secrets are mine, forever. Only one or two have read my mommy diaries and that’s something amazing because those are secret; that especially shows my true feelings and the real me at times.
The boy letters are only written when I take a trip back to the past, which doesn’t happen so much anymore.
The problem is now; I barely have time to write, whether to a boy, my mom, or on here. I’m always doing school work, real work, Facebook, or reading.
But that doesn’t mean I have pent up feelings, I still talk to people, like Sam (my sister) or Sam (the best friend).
I said that I’ve been reading. And I really mean that. Throughout March and April I’ve read about eight books that’s an average of one a week, even though it’s sometimes three times a week and then a wait period for more.
Reading helps a lot. It’s a new journey every time. I’ve been into the teen love books recently and I feel like I’ve been able to relate to all the main female characters. And even though the books are supposed to be sort of an escape, I feel the ones I relate to help me realize things about myself. They don’t necessarily teach me anything good or what I want, but at least I have them.
When it comes to the escape I prefer things like Harry Potter or Eragon. But I’ve also read Twilight in stressful times.
When it comes to the journey, anything will do. I just want to be a different person sometimes. That goes with the escape. I love being someone else for a day. To get lost in their problems, no matter how close to mine they are, seems better than facing my own because I know those problems will be solved by the time I’m done with the book, whereas my real life problems will have time. My problems won’t take a day, but rather days or weeks and sometimes even months. Things happen, of course, and everyone has a coping mechanism.
Reading happens to be mine. At least I’m not doing coke or crank.
Which brings me to one of my books, I just read ‘Crank’ by Ellen Hopkins. Crank is meth (in case you didn’t already know). In the book, for those who haven’t read it, this girl struggles with it after a summer with her dad. It’s pretty intense. But it was a fun ride. Some people are into meth. I’m not… and I don’t think I will ever even bother trying it after this. I don’t want to bother flirting with this monster. Other monsters already tempt me (what kid doesn’t have any monsters in their life?). Crank is a grown up monster. It’s not the little kid under the bed type; instead it’s the real life grown up, gotta have it type. I just finished the book. I really enjoyed it. And there were things that I wasn’t exactly expecting, but it helped me like it.
Anyway, back to books, I like the fantasy, thriller types. But, like I said, I’ve been reading the teen love types recently. I always think I’m able to predict the ending, but I love when I’m wrong too.
On to a totally different topic: I want to go back to the last post. I said you can’t fight your feelings. You feel what you feel and that’s that. So why do people try to convince you other wise? It’s really just a matter of wanting something. And you always pick the prettiest, most attractive thing you find. Even if it’s out of the question, you’ll want it. That’s how it is with your emotions towards other people, but you can’t help it.
Then, of course, it’s so hard to reject people. I’d done it before and probably in a worse way, but by using the last post I felt horrible. However, it was the best way to do it. And its how I feel. You can’t change that and I’m not willing to try.
A little over a month ago I was willing to give up my feelings and yet I still came back to be the hopeful, everything will work itself out, Jackie.
Oh man, I just keep thinking of things to say tonight. I don’t know where it comes from, but people really have to stop thinking I’m so dumb. Honestly, I know things, I pay attention when you think I’m just reading or chewing my cheek. I hear and see things around me that no one else would notice. So stop thinking of me as dumb because I’ll take the chance to prove you wrong sometimes.
That’s all for now. Remember I’m Jackie and even thought this is “Jackie Doesn’t Know Crap” but I’m not all that dumb anymore.