thoughts about ish
I am not really sure what “the road ahead” means, but I am trying not to focus so much on it as I go through my every day life.
Since I last updated JDKC, I have applied for John Carroll’s Communication Management graduate program. Well I started it – I submitted the actual application and asked for recommendation letters, but I still have to write my statement of purpose and take the GRE (which doesn’t have a minimum score requirement for the Com Department and is totally irrelevant for Communications…). But here’s the thing about this program: I already missed the deadline for any Graduate Assistant positions and I do not want to go to graduate school unless it is being paid for because if I’m going to be “over-qualified” for positions when I finish, I might as well not be adding more debt to my name. I mostly don’t want to take the GRE because I’ve never been good at any standardized tests and if it doesn’t matter what the score is, then why do I need to take it? I had found a program at Providence College (a place I had applied and been accepted to as an undergraduate) which would allow me to get my Master of Education for free while teaching at a Catholic middle/high school. Sounds pretty neat right? But once again, I would be rushing to try to get all of my stuff in so I can interview and I don’t want to be stressed about anything else. Plus, this is a program that I can apply to at any point in time and get into next year. G-Day is quickly approaching (a little less than three months away now) and I think I’ve started to embrace the idea a little bit more recently because I can see all the job opportunities that are available to me. But I think it is also because I can feel my time at Marc’s quickly fading away. It’s nothing negative about the job that I’ve held for nearly six years, but I can feel my patience wearing thin with both my co-workers and my customers. These are people I’ve been spending every weekend with for the past two years and practically every day with before that and I know I need a change in scenery – and I don’t mean a store change or manager (because let’s be real, I’ve been there done that). I need somewhere I can grow and spread my wings and maybe even have adult conversations with more than three people (again, let’s be real, not likely to happen if I get into a small office). I’ve been working at City Hall in University Heights and at the Cleveland office for American Lung Association and I can see where the world can take me if I just let go of my first love (Marc’s). I will always love Marc’s. I will always love the people I have met and gotten to know through the store. However, as my time as a students starts to end and all of my job possibilities begin to grow, I can feel my time at good old Parmatown slipping through my fingers and a voice in my head reminding me that I didn’t want to do this forever anyway. This road ahead of me is going to lead me away from my first job and I am ready to accept that in the coming months/year. The road ahead means change and every day I try to accept the inevitable even though I know how hard it is. So basically all I do is focus on my three jobs and homework which feels never-ending. I started an eight week prayer journey based on the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. Basically it’s a much longer version of the silent retreat. But not silent. It’s going to be a lot harder than the silent retreat because for my first week I had already done all of the activities my director gave me and I’m on campus with lots of noise. But I feel like I need this – especially since we’ve entered Lent and I have not given up anything for this year. I just need reassurance that I’m going to make it through the next few months perfectly fine. I know God is an abstract idea to some people, but something pulled me towards the Church and my faith and I’m open to any opportunity to strengthen that faith and I’m trying to embrace all of it. However, if any of you have any suggestions for me to give something up (other than Diet Coke) go ahead and leave a comment or something – anything really since this is posted on Facebook as well… Mostly I’m focusing on my prayers but giving up something would be nice too. But my wonderful readers (the few that I think I have) it is time for me to study, knit some caps for chemo, and complete some assignments I’ve managed to neglect so I bid all of you a farewell and happy Sunday. And as always remember I’m just a girl who doesn’t know crap.
0 Comments
I have measured time in terms of the number 8 for the last 4 years: eight days until eighteen, eight days until I leave for college, eight hours until I’m 21.
This time, eight was the number of days I spent silent listening to God. It has been eight months since I was baptized and still there are so many days when I think “Two years ago you could not have convinced me that before I graduate I will have gone on one group retreat, decide to be baptized, and then go on a silent retreat in which I only get to talk to God.” Two years ago, the girl I was could barely believe in herself – let alone in some higher power. People say it all the time, “God saved me.” I won’t say that. I was not suffering from anything at the time and I didn’t need to be saved. But I did need something to believe in. At the time I could barely believe in myself and was struggling hardcore with school, God came in and gave me something new to believe in. He gave me a new way to look at myself and he has helped me grow as a person. I never openly talk about my religion or my conversion, unless someone asks because I still fear what people have to say about it. I chose the Catholic Church because I go to aCatholic-JesuitUniversity– it is what I understand and see every day. And it’s what I was called to. That might sound strange, but I do believe in talking to God. I mean, I hope I do considering I just spent eight days doing so. God might not explicitly say something but I can feel what he is calling me to do. Since I had gone on the retreat that lead me to being converted, I had dreamt of going on John Carroll’s Eight Day Silent Retreat. When it came time to turn in applications, I still hadn’t been to any information sessions because of my internship and classes. I had lost hope – until a friend told me to personally meet with the director for a one-on-one info session. With hope restored, I applied and began the prep that needed to be done. Finally I was told I was approved to go! (That same day the American Lung Association called me for an internship position!) Of course I got nervous because I was about to spend eight days of silence surrounded by some of my best/closest friends and that was going to be incredibly hard. But I continued asking if I was doing the right thing and made it all the way through the retreat. Eric and I wrote each other super long letters at the beginning say how proud of each other we were, but we made it without talking (mostly). I had spent eight days trying to get closer to God. That’s all I wanted to get out of it – I didn’t need to know what I was going to do after Graduation – I needed to get through January first! So since my last update, I have turned 21… became obsessed with Big Brother (still working on my application for 2015 season)… started my senior year of college … interned at University Heights City Hall… Turned 22… got the best GPA since I started college… and got to know God on a deeper level on an eight day silent retreat. But I’ve also been living life as best as I can. I keep running into obstacles and things that are slowing me down. Not a day goes by where I doubt what I’m supposed to be doing with my life or when I think that I could have done so many things differently… But isn’t that what life is about? The world is moving faster than my head wants me to accept and I can’t handle being 22. I started this when I was 16 and six years later I still love to write even if I don’t have time. I still like throwing my opinions into the world as long as no one knows who I am. The real world is coming up faster than I expected and I have some big decisions to make soon. So for the next few months leading up to G-Day, I hope to write more updates about my final semester at Carroll, Kappa Delta, Sam’s Wedding, and my thoughts on the world in general. But you know, none of that means anything since I’m almost a college graduate and I still don’t know crap. |
AuthorJust a 20something trying to get by in life. Archives
April 2020
Categories |