Thinking about Love

I’ve been working on a blog post for about a week and the topic literally changes daily. I can’t pick a topic and that’s why it is always so hard for me to post anything – I can never make up my mind on ONE DAMN TOPIC. But a normal person would just think “Well why don’t I write about all of these things…” Because I suck and don’t have time.
I’m currently working on my Creative Writing Portfolio (due April 1 and I still have to write 5-7 pages about my time as a CW Major… COOL I HAVE SO MUCH TIME). The purpose of my portfolio is to showcase all of my, in my opinion, best writings. This means one piece from each class, which is awesome because I love a lot of what I’ve written, but then I realize my best pieces are about love. Or rather, they’re about the love that I don’t believe in. I spent about eight pages talking about how much I do not want to be with another person because of relationships around me, but in those eight pages I spent at least two talking about my sister and her fiancé. I wrote this piece exactly one year ago and I know how I felt in that moment. I know that it came from a conversation my dad and I had at a bar. I know that when I wrote it I had given up all of my ideas of having four children, a wonderful husband, and the beautiful house with a giant porch somewhere in the “country.” I stopped believing that I was capable of being in a relationship because I hated the way I looked at people in relationships.
But then today, as I’m sitting in class (because it’s literally the worst Literature course I’ve ever been in), I’m looking at “fall in love” quotes on Pinterest and I’m thinking about all the things I dreamed about when I was 16 years old.
I love the idea of love, but I hate the idea of being with another person. I’m so content being with myself that the idea of being in a relationship is terrifying to me. How do I just give up all of my freedom and aloneness to be with someone else? I can tell you that I do have feelings and I often “crush” on boys who I think are attractive, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to go ask them out because that means surrendering to my feelings (and because rejection, you know). At least that’s how it feels to me.
I write so much about my characters not ending up with the person they love or my nonfiction is about my dislike of love and relationships in general, but then in my mind, I know 100% that I believe in soul mates. Along with that I definitely believe that we all have more than one because I do not believe in a God that would create one absolute person you’re meant to end up with if there is a chance that you will never meet them. I mean, then two people end up alone forever. AND THAT SUCKS.
I’m at a crossroads right now because I’m about to graduate and I know there is a guy whom I actually really like – basically life is actually happening – and it’s the first time in a while that I’ve legitimately liked another person because, like I said, I just wrote a memoir piece about how I do not want to be in a relationship only a year ago. But I have a CD in my car that I listen to all the time with a bunch of love songs of sorts entitles the “I like you Mix” which I gave to a boy when things started getting “serious” or whatever two years ago… Clearly that worked out so well… (*Note: I made myself a copy because it was actually a really awesome CD – it was not given back to me. I assume he just threw it away…)
Which all of this leads me to:
So many people around me equate happiness with being in a relationship. Well, I have a question for all of you who might believe this (and trust me, most people don’t know that they believe this because they just think they’re happy in the moment): Do you know what it is like to be happy ALONE?
Because I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to be truly 100% happy without being in a relationship. I know what being with another person feels like and I know that feeling of joy when you’re around them. But if that’s the only time you feel any kind of happiness, then some kind of evaluation should be happening inside of your soul. I’ve been doing this soul searching for two years and I know I’m happy when I’m not in a relationship. Because of this I have no idea how I would feel if I ever got into a relationship in the near future because like I said before freedom is a very real thing that I want and need in my life.
Do I sometimes feel like I should be in a relationship because I’m 22 years old and most of my closest friends are in relationships? Yes.  But that doesn’t mean I’m upset or crying myself to sleep because I’m not sleeping next to someone. I can do things on my own and I don’t think many people my age understand that it really is okay to be on your own and living life independently.
If by the time I get a big girl job and decide to move out of my dad’s house, I still don’t have a boyfriend – I’ll be okay.  Because I know plenty of people who can pull off living alone and they’re happy.
But what do I know?