Mother Dearest.

I never talk about her. I never try to purposefully bring her up. When I do, I’m usually telling a joke and that’s how some people find out that she’s dead or what actually happened. But I never actually take the time to tell a person what happened.
I have this crazy fear that they’ll walk away thinking that I’m just as crazy as she is or that they’ll try to play the sympathy card… I don’t want sympathy from anyone about what she did 15 years ago. I don’t want people to walk out of my life because she did. I should be used to losing people, but I’m not. I don’t like when change happens, especially when it happens and people leave, they stop being apart of my life for some obscure and unknown reason. I think it’s dumb. That kind of change is unfair… I understand that change will always be an unchangeable part of life; it’ll always be there.
Anyway, I make jokes about her. Not often, but when I do, they bring up a few laughs and mostly I just get looks that are questioning my sanity. I understand if you don’t know about her, you don’t know what I’m talking about. And therefore, if I make a joke about her you will either 1) not believe me or 2) wonder why I would reveal that in a joke. It’s just how it happens sometimes. That’s obviously how you were meant to find out…
However, sometimes I’ll want to elaborate. I want to tell you what happened. So I’ll try to make plans with you. I’ll try to make things right. It takes a lot to be able to talk about her. It takes a lot for me to want to talk about her. I actually have to plan what I’m going to say and how I’m going to tell you… Will I tell you the whole story; everything from before I was born? Or will I just tell you the parts that are important; how it happened and leave it at that? Generally I’ll want to tell you the whole story. I want people to know. I don’t feel like it’s complete or worth my time if I don’t say it all, get it off my chest. So if you feel like you were cheated by me joking about her, hang out with me.
Don’t just ignore it or forget. Because once you do that, you lose your chance at me opening up. You lose your chance at seeing me in the most real state I will ever be in. But that’s okay.
If you’re walking away, I won’t follow you. I don’t have the fight in me to keep you around.
But as always, I’m still Jackie and even though I’ve graduated high school and I’m moving onto a new world, I still don’t know crap.
P.S. I’m writing the prom and graduation specials as you read this. At least I hope I am because I’m sooooo far behind at this point.