thoughts about ish
I haven’t had a lot to say recently… I also have not had the time to say anything that is on my mind ever anymore. All I do is work and school and try and find time to see my friends and sleep.
I’m still your average college kid. But I work and go to school full time and I stress about everything because for years I’ve just wanted a happy ending. Or at least a happy moment. This isn’t going to be about school or work… I have plenty of posts on those. This is just going to be on, well, I’m not really sure… I’m just letting my hands do the talking… I remember when I turned 16 and my dad told me that I could start dating. It wasn’t a big deal to me because when I was 16 I didn’t see myself as “pretty” or whatever. I was still a little fat and every guy I had ever thought was cute always came back with “well, you’re really nice and all, but I think we’d be better off as friends.” Okay, cool… I have this really awesome supply of friends that are just guys. But no one who ever really liked me. Time went on and I started to get “thinner” (because for girls in our society that’s all that matters, being thin) and started to see myself as “pretty.” Until one day, once again, I got told that I was only good enough to be friends with. For a time there was a guy that I was talking to, but unfortunately he had a girlfriend and well life never works out in your favor if you’re the girl on the side. And then he broke up with his girlfriend and I had this fear that things would work out, because that’s what I’ll always be afraid of: something working out the way I want it to; actually being happy with a boy I care about. But that’s not how it worked. He said he would rather see other people. I left the house I was at and drove home and cried for four hours while my best friend texted me to console me. I was heart broken and I told myself I wasn’t going to let him hurt me again and I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me like that again and I went back to believe that “love” isn’t real. That people who seem happy aren’t always happy. I’ve seen way too many people be happy and then suddenly they aren’t. I’ve seen too many people get divorced, some nasty and some really simple. But the bottom line is, it’s not worth it… Someone always gets hurt. This was last summer. I started my second year at Carroll and I limited my time talking to this boy. I tried really hard to keep in contact but I was slowly getting myself away from him. Almost as if he was a drug and I was an addict because after three years of one constant person in your life, it’s really hard to just let them go. That is until we fast forward to winter break and he called me worthless. More so he said that I would never be good enough for anyone else, but really I wasn’t good enough for him because he still wouldn’t make a real commitment to me. So I stopped texting him back. I told myself that it really was no longer worth crying over a boy who would never treat me the way I wanted or should be treated. But I started to believe that I wouldn’t be good enough for anyone. I spent the next four or five weeks just doing work and school and not really thinking about needing or wanting a boy in my life. And then one night, just hanging out after work, I did meet someone who said the same things I was thinking and liked the same things that I did. But there was a girl who was just like my boy and suddenly he was too much like me and I couldn’t be with someone like me. But part of me tried and got somewhere with him. I started to think he liked me, but really I still don’t know what he thought of me. He made me laugh. I was able to be really sarcastic and sassy around him because he would always be able to give it back to me. Normally someone who is just like you are should only be a friend, but I didn’t want that. I didn’t want just another friend. But by the end of the semester, that’s what we were: Just Friends. However, the funny thing about life is that sometimes things work out in your favor. The summer was going great, we were getting along and I don’t think we were just friends anymore. Things were how they should have been and it felt good to have someone to care about you and think about all the time. But this is not a happy ending story. This story ends in tragic heart break for both of us. I made a simple mistake of thinking things weren’t so serious between us. We were just talking. But when I told him what I did, he was instantly mad at me. After twelve hours of fighting, he stopped responding to my texts and phone calls. It’s been three weeks now and I keep thinking back to winter break when that boy said I wasn’t good enough. The thing is though, I am good enough. It’s been three weeks and all I’ve done is think of ways I could make it better. I sent a care package which is against everything I think I believe. Care Packages to a boy you like means that you might believe that you love them. Except, I don’t think love is real. Three weeks and he won’t answer my phone calls or texts and I don’t even know what he thought of that perfect care package with his fraternity’s flag and a cd and snacks that remind me of him. But I guess I’m just “friend” material. For now. A really smart girl told me “giving up is easy” and I know how true that is. But to hold on to someone who doesn’t want you, that’s hard work that doesn’t seem worth it. I keep looking at this as wasted time. Wasted time on an awesome craft; wasted time on letters that I’ve written to put in the package; wasted time on feelings that don’t matter. So how does all of this seem worth it? So, I guess this is just a message to all of you who constantly ask “why don’t you have a boyfriend” when I don’t see you very often, this is why. I am just friend. I am pretty and funny and I play video games, but I am just the friend. And since I know my dad reads these, too, I don’t need anyone asking me or telling me that I need a boyfriend. Everyone needs to stop saying I’m not happy enough or whatever because I’m fine. I’ve been fine for years… I’m glad everyone else is in some sort of whatever relationship. Cool. I have my xBox and my Netflix. Obviously God or whatever doesn’t want me to have anything else. But, of course, I’m just Jackie and I don’t know crap, so what do I know about how life is supposed to go.
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AuthorJust a 20something trying to get by in life. Archives
April 2020
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