I Might Be Crazy For This

I have to confess that I regret letting you come over when you were in town.  Clearly I've been thinking about this for a month, so I'm probably just going crazy.  But if you were anyone else, I wouldn't have just talked to you at 2 am.  Not that I do that sort of thing very often anyway.  I mean, 16 year old me would be disappointed that I only talked to you. 

But you're you and for some reason I won't take a risk that could result in us not being friends - though right now I'm not even sure we qualify as that.  I like talking to you.  I liked being close to you.  And I wish that I had seen you for longer than an hour. 

I didn't want to miss you.  I didn't even think that I did miss you.  Then I saw you and I still felt like I had the same crush on you as I did when we were 16.  And that's a feeling I didn't think was possible. I haven't had any feelings for anyone in a really long time.  I felt comfortable next to you.  And I typically hate being close to anyone in any way.  I had finally put myself back together from the last guy who rolled on through my feelings, and of all people I never expected to feel anything for you. I just wanted to be friends.I still want to be friends.  I'm just not sure I know how anymore. 

I keep replaying you coming over in my head and thinking of what could have been different and there were so many things.  Heck, one different movement or brush of our hands could have set something else into motion.  Here's the thing: I know myself.  I know that for some reason I'm still attracted to you and I still like you and I could not just have a 2 am hook up and be okay with it.  I'm not that person anymore because even though I might hate to admit it, I do have feelings and don't like living in the hook up culture.  Except you're there and I'm here and it's unrealistic to think about anything else or to even think that you would ever be interested in me.  I mean, you had just as much opportunity to make something happen as I did and clearly neither of us did anything. 

The last year or so I would unintentionally flirt with you through Instagram or Snapchat and it was fun and mostly harmless.  Without any of that I doubt I would have seen you at all.  I doubt I would have been one of the people you tried to make time for.  But I also should have fit you into my schedule better than I did.  I had known you were going to be in town for a few weeks and I still made plans to do other things that wouldn't involve you. Then I felt guilty when I cancelled on you because I was doing it for selfish reasons.  You made an effort to try and I probably only tried half as much as I should have. 

I've had this drafted for over a week now.  I wasn't sure if I should post it or if I should just delete it.  But nothing has changed.  I've tried texting you and maybe I missed my chance.  Maybe I should just follow the signs and let you go because what is the point if I can't grow from the "what if" moments I experience? What do I gain by trying to vie for your attention when I know how unrealistic that is.  We have a "once upon a time" and maybe I should just head into the "never ever after."