thoughts about ish
The past five years have been weird for me... At least when it comes to feeling something. I am very emotional/have a lot of feelings. I wear my feelings right on my face... but when it comes to another person I've only admitted to having feelings (to that person) twice. I talk all the time about soul mates and not believing in love, but I've grown a little. I believe in it - I just don't think it's me. I don't love love. I hate talking about my feelings and thinking about admitting how I feel to another person just makes me want to cringe... For the most part I turn the other direction and run away from feelings when I start to sense things are becoming real. Recently I've been on some dates and I really have the urge to run. I'm not going to though because I should be an adult and see this thing through. I also think it's time that I try to stick around a bit. However, all of this has made me look deeper into myself. I've been trying to figure out why I am the way I am and what "love" is, and the only way I truly know to figure that out is by writing. First, (and most important) is what I think love is - besides a word we enjoy overusing and a feeling that is different to everyone. To me, love is being with someone who just understands you. It's the moment when you're having an awful day and they just stand next to you and you instantly feel relief and calm. It's being able to lay next to each other in a comfortable silence. Love is knowing what's right for someone and accepting it might not be you. It's spending every day together and always being happy even when there's no other reason to be. Love is 3 am texts even when you know they won't respond until the morning - because they always reply in the morning. Love is a friendship spanning years that you never thought were significant until you looked back and realized what you mean to each other. Love is moments. To me, love isn't a feeling. Love is a million little things that make sense to you. Maybe some of the ways I describe love are the same you would describe it. Maybe you disagree with all of this, but you don't have to agree. That's what's great about all of this - I can interpret love differently than all of you and still be correct. Love is whatever we believe it to be... Whether it's Allie and Noah from The Notebook, your parents, or something else.... It's what we think it is and this is what love is to me: Moments.
So why am I the way I am? A friend once asked me this question while we were out to eat. I was 18 at the time and my answer was "Because my mom killed herself." I don't think I had ever told him how she died, he just knew that she died. I also said it with a straight face and meant it. Sure, I'm all for blaming Michelle for some of my abandonment issues... I mean, it would make so much sense. But I don't think it's fair to blame my mom for everything. Wouldn't I try to be more attached to these guys if "abandonment issues" was my problem? Sure, some of them leave some everlasting scarring that will probably never go away, but I would be much clingier if this was the problem. I really think I just either like the things I can't have and when I can have them decide it's time to move on or I can't be tied down. I like the adventure too much and don't want to feel locked in to just one flavor yet (weird metaphors over here). I know what I think I want for my future - I'm starting to believe society may have brainwashed me and I'm beginning to see the world as a liberated bird - and that's definitely a happy family with a husband, kids, and a wrap-around porch... but I also want to explore the world and people. I want to be free. I don't want to live my life according to "something." I want to live my life and let my soul take me to where I need to be and to who I need to be with. I think I'm always ready to run because my soul isn't satisfied with what's in front of me. There have been less than a handful of times when I've felt comfortable with someone and my soul has been content. I've never wanted 1000 loves - that's ridiculous - but I have wanted those few stories I can tell my grandkids one day. I also want to be able to tell them about the guy who became my adventure and the person who kept my soul wild while still bringing me back down to earth to love in whatever ways i could. So what does this mean for the guy I'm dating? I don't know yet... He's new and shiny and if I haven't scared him off yet I think he's worth the challenge. Maybe to be wild and free is to go against what the fight or flight instincts are always telling me to do - maybe I'm supposed to get out of my comfort zone. I'll never know if I'm always running away (ok, ghosting) from guys who have potential to be pretty amazing. This one has all that potential, plus I think he's pretty great (so far). I'm going to keep what we're doing going until we both figure it out. Or until one of us (him, definitely him) decides the other (me, definitely me) is absolutely crazy and can't put up with the other anymore. All outcomes are possible. But what do I know, right? Probably not much since I'm just a girl who doesn't know how to express her feelings so love is definitely off the table. xoxo, J.
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AuthorJust a 20something trying to get by in life. Archives
April 2020
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