Letters I'll Never Send (A Series. #1)

I love writing letters.  I just don't think that they should be read.  You see, I write them for myself, but I don't think that they should go completely unseen.  I write letters to figure out my own thoughts and feelings... it's like a way of coping. So I've decided to bring them all here.  Maybe I'm writing one to you.  Maybe you'll see this and have an understanding of why things are between me and others.  

Let's get started, shall we? 

Hi.

I thought I loved you.  Or maybe I did love?  I'm not sure because I no loner believe I know what love is.  You were my best friend.  I knew when I met you that you would be important.  I never realized how important, but you were the first person i put an effort into knowing in a really long time.  I was only at our store for a month before I had to transfer away again, but when I came back we just clicked... Something felt like it just fell together and we were something. 

I don't remember when I stopped thinking that you might not be around some day.  I don't know when I started thinking that of you as a permanent fixture in my life, but I know I wanted you to stay. Everyone else around us saw something.  Maybe the feelings I had for you were manufactured.  Maybe everyone else had so much influence over me and they convinced me we were perfect. At some point I believed you were a good person and we just fit together - that you and I were going to be epic. 

At some point I wanted you to be my epic love and the love of my love.  At some point in our friendship i could only see you in my future.  You were my best friend.  I thought I needed you.  I've heard that when you fall in love you become co-dependent.  Not in a way that you can't function without the other person, but where their happiness affects the other person and everything is intensified (almost like becoming a vampire in The Vampire Diaries).  Just being near you was calming.  I could be having the worst day - crying, panicking, looking a mess - and you would tell me everything would be okay.  The thing is - it was okay.  Every single time the world melted away.  At some point I Only saw you at the store.  I didn't care about any rumors about us and I didn't care how it looked when I looked at you.  You were my best friend and I wanted so much more. 

I started it.  I started talking about "our" wedding.  It was a joke.  I wanted a way to keep you talking to me so one Saturday morning at 6 am I asked you to marry me.  You didn't say no.  You just said that it would have to wait until you finished school and became a teacher.  I was impressed.  We were barely friends.  I started the game, but I didn't know it would last as long as it did.  I didn't know that I would actually have feelings for you at the end of it.  I didn't know I would be broken and angry when it was over. 

I tell myself I'm over it.  That can't be true though or else I wouldn't be writing this.  But I did it out on paper because I opened a snapchat from you and it opened the door I hid all of these memories.  I made a mistake.  I made a mistake on top of all the other mistakes that included you.  

The wedding game went on for well over a year.  It was fun. It was fine.  I watched you date other girls and told you what to do.  I helped.  You were my best friend and that's what I was there for.  But even when you were dating these other girls you would talk about "our wedding." There was one girl, though.  You told me you couldn't marry me because of her - she was "the one."  In a way, you broke up with me.  I didn't want to accept it, so I didn't. I waited until you broke up.  When you did, I asked you to be my date to a wedding.  I thought I was putting into motion the perfect plan to start something real. 

The wedding was great.  We had fun.  We planned what song would be our first - we never did agree.  But everything backfired on me.  The wedding lead to me admitting my actual feelings for you to you.  We didn't really talk at length for a four months.  We hung out a few times, but it was always weird and different.  We weren't "us" anymore. When you finally reached out to me, you were dating someone else.  What happened next is mostly blurry because the next 14 months I spent crying over you.  That's such a long time to cry over someone.  I moved on a bit.  I tried dating.  I pushed all traces of you into a room in my mind that I wouldn't open again. I was unsuccessful.  It opened a few months later when you messaged me on tinder.  I thought we could finally fix things and make everything fall back into place.  But you were still you and you wanted to act as if nothing happened but i was angry.  I stopped answering almost immediately.  

A year has gone by since that last tinder message.  I've ignored every snapchat message you've sent, but I decided to respond this weekend.  You shared good news with me and I shared some that I had.  If only you hadn't wished things could go back to the way they were.  They never will.  I'm not the same girl who thought she loved you three years ago.  You broke me.  I was broken and maybe I still am a little broken.  Sometimes I still wish we were planning our wedding.  Occasionally I think if things had worked from the start I would have an engagement ring or out of my dad's house, but I stopped imagining "what if" because my mind needs to be clear in order to continue on the journey I've started.  

Maybe I will always love you a little bit.  Maybe we will always be the people who got away from each other.  Time will only tell, but I think it was time for you to know opening the door to our past is not always the best things. 

​Always & Forever.