When Growing Up Means Moving On

One of the things I've learned as an adult is that change is good.  That's right.  I've accepted one of the things that I have never accepted until now and that is the idea of change being good.  

Going into the Summer of 2018, I have so many new opportunities to take.  I've come a long way since I started writing Jackie Doesn't Know Crap. I was a naive 16 year old girl who didn't know what the world was going to offer her and here I am today, 25 years old and seeing how the world opened all it's doors to me when I finally opened my eyes.  

But that means I have to let go of some people. Adjusting to a life without people you once depended on takes a lot of strength.  Since I graduated high school, I stopped talking to basically every single person I was once friends with... There is only one person who I talked to all throughout college and even after I graduated.  He was someone I trusted with all my secrets.  He was someone that I could count on when I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.  He was someone that I only needed to listen to me when I was having a bad day. 

When I turned 25, I think something inside of me clicked.  Something finally registered that having him in my life was like keeping a poison next to my diet coke.  I'm not really sure how that makes sense, but to me it did and that's all that matters. 

 I stopped replying to the Snapchats and the text messages.  I stopped looking at his Instagram and looking to see if he's posted anything on facebook about basketball (I don't even like basketball so that's really for the best).  I stopped imagining him as someone who would be a part of my life for the rest of my days. Something inside of me finally woke up and saw that in the eight years we have been friends or whatever nothing good has come of it. I guess I just stopped waiting for something that was never going to happen.

I used to think of him as my McDreamy.  I had this idea that he would pick me and we would get married, but I grew up and realized that Grey's Anatomy is never going to be what my life looks like because I would not want to be Meredith Grey whose life is marred with tragedy.  I have enough tragedy. And I am no longer silly enough to believe that he could be McDreamy because he's not a good person and McDreamy is an amazing (fictional) person.

I turned 25 and started seeing my life in a new light.  Things were finally looking up for me.  The things that I had worked so hard for were finally falling into place and I could see all the people that were going to support me throughout the next chapter of my life.   Besides, letting him go means letting go of high school and in order to get to where I want to be, I really need to let go of all of those things.  I have to let it go because I won't grow if I don't, but also because that girl I was in high school was not healthy.  She might have lead me to the path that made me who I am today, but that's not who I am and if I'm holding on to the things that were important to her I cannot grow. 

Growing is important to being successful and happy and healthy and all those other good things. 

I grew up and took charge of my life.  I have so many changes coming my way in the next year and I am more than excited for them.  For the first time ever, I am looking forward to a change.  I'm looking forward to being afraid that I've made a mistake even though I know what I'm doing is really the best thing.  Growing up and moving on are not bad things.  Change is not a bad thing.  I am living my best life right now and I could not be happier.  

I'm at a point in my life when things are already stressful enough without thinking about someone who in five years probably won't be significant because he's gotten married to someone who isn't me. I just want to be happy.  And if making a change like letting someone who I've cared about for as long as I have leads to happiness, I will just have to follow that path. 

But, ya know... what do I know? I write a blog titled Jackie Doesn't Know Crap ¯\_(ツ)_/¯