Letters I'll Never Send (A Series. #2)

I thought I had more "letters I'll never send" but I could only find one other one I posted here.  It's weird because of course this next one is basically the sequel to the first and it was never meant to work like that. I thought this was going to be the third letter of the series because I write letters all the time.  I like to get my feelings out and if I direct the words towards someone, I feel like it's a lot more effective. 

So when I wrote this letter that you're about to read, it was late at night.  I had just finished a conversation with the person it is written for and I had so much more to say to them. The funny thing is, the next day I actually said some of these things.  The things I write are never meant to be seen by the person they are intended for, but I guess it helps to be honest at the same time. This letter might sound like I have a lot of regret about the things that happened to inspire this letter, but I don't.  Everything that happened help shape me into who I am.  So go on and read.  

This is the most personal side you'll see of me. 

​*Names have been removed for the privacy of all involved. 

   I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently.  I miss you all the time and I really hate it. The other day I noticed how we hadn’t talked in a while.  At first, it didn’t bother me because I thought letting you go was what I wanted. Then I realized I just wanted to know how you are.  Except I’m way too proud to message you myself. Then today, you asked me how onlne teaching was going. It came shortly after I looked at your instagram and saw your latest post with your girlfriend.  I think you live with her now? I don’t know and I don’t want to ask because lately I’ve been feeling jealous. I can’t help but think that should be me. I shut you out for so long, maybe my chance had been there to rekindle something with you.  But then I remember all the pain I felt because of you. 

   You changed me.  That pain you caused changed me.  Some of the change was good, I stopped “loving” too easily.  But a lot of the change was bad. I stopped caring altogether.  I stopped being able to connect with people. I would go on dates and I felt empty.  I did a lot of things that I thought would make you jealous and it did nothing to help me grow.  It still affects me. I still can’t go on dates without feeling like I’m falling apart or that I’m forcing myself to connect with someone that I know I’m not meant to be with.  I struggle to even try to do the bare minimum of meeting new people. I shouldn’t blame you entirely because I can try to grow and move past this, but I’m still afraid of letting my feelings get ahead of me and leave me broken again. 

    I hate to say it, but I think I still love you.  I can never tell you though because you look so happy and I would never want to take that away from someone else.  Maybe I will always love you. In some way, I probably will -- maybe not romantically forever, but I will always care deeply for you. 

    In the last five years I went from loving you to hating you to having no feelings at all.  I lost my best friend and that’s the thing I hate the most. We both let our friendship fall to the wayside, but I was happy to leave it in a ditch because I was so mad at you.  I will take some of the blame because my actions of admitting my feelings set everything in motion, but you didn’t help either. I think at the end of the day I just wanted us to bounce back and be “us” again.  But when it didn’t happen right away I gave it up. Then it was hard to be “us” when you had a girlfriend. 
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    I don’t know why I started writing this letter.  Maybe to say I miss you. Maybe to tell you I still love you.  Maybe to wish I could take back what I said five years ago and still have my best friend.  If I could find a time machine, that’s exactly what I would do: I would take it all back. You would still break my heart by dating someone else, but at least we wouldn’t have spent a year and a half fighting. 

I miss you and love you always. 
xo