It's Going to Be Okay

That's a phrase I hear all too often.  "It's going to be okay."  I know the sentiment behind it, everyone just wants to reassure me that no matter what I'm facing, I'll get through it. But most of the time, it doesn't matter what you say to make me feel better - I won't.  It's not how my brain works.  

I started crying in class while talking about an exam that basically determines your ability to graduate because I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I was being a terrible student that week and not studying for the test and then also not doing the actual homework that was due throughout the week. I was stressed and tired and feeling a little hopeless. Thankfully I'm in a program that is filled with beautiful people who are supportive and caring.  They all understood where I was coming from and they tried to reassure me that I would be fine.  My professor, who is also the program coordinator and my adviser, also tried to settle my qualms by ensuring me that no one has ever not finished the program because of a comp exam.  But regardless of what people told me, I didn't feel like I was ever going to be okay. 

After class and a program meeting, I texted my sister to tell her that I cried during class and that I wasn't sure how the weekend was going to go.  The crying in class thing is not an unusual thing, but it's also not a regular thing that I've done in the past.  I've always tried to keep my emotions in check when I'm with my classmates, but these classmates are more than just people I go to school with... They're people with whom I've formed a family. We have a bond that I didn't think was possible and I trust them all with my insecurities.  But my sisters replied and at the end of it she said "But it's going to be okay -- you're going to be okay."  

Most people think it's going to calm you down.  But for someone with intense anxiety, being told that I'm going to be okay doesn't do much.  I stress out about everything and in recent weeks I've been chewing on my fingernails so bad that I almost started bleeding. This is something I haven't done since my junior year of undergrad.  It's been a rough few months that I have managed to get through by focusing on what I need to focus on.  But when you're in school full time, have a full time internship and then also working part time there's not much room for sleep or focus.  

I know I'm going to be okay.  I know that everything will work out in the next 6 months like it's supposed to.  I know that all the stress and everything I'm going through is going to be worth it, but when I'm in the moment, I can't see that.  It takes a few days or weeks for me to finally calm down.  I've been struggling through days like this for years and every time I think it is going to get better I have a day where I go three steps back. It's particularly rough when I feel like I'm not actually good at what I'm doing.  I used to think I was a bad writer and yet I passed all my workshops and graduated with a degree in Creative Writing, so that means something was working, right?

The next you tell someone "it's going to be okay" remember that they might be going through something you don't understand and those words are not going to help them.