I love writing letters.  I just don't think that they should be read.  You see, I write them for myself, but I don't think that they should go completely unseen.  I write letters to figure out my own thoughts and feelings... it's like a way of coping. So I've decided to bring them all here.  Maybe I'm writing one to you.  Maybe you'll see this and have an understanding of why things are between me and others.  

Let's get started, shall we? 

Hi.

I thought I loved you.  Or maybe I did love?  I'm not sure because I no loner believe I know what love is.  You were my best friend.  I knew when I met you that you would be important.  I never realized how important, but you were the first person i put an effort into knowing in a really long time.  I was only at our store for a month before I had to transfer away again, but when I came back we just clicked... Something felt like it just fell together and we were something. 

I don't remember when I stopped thinking that you might not be around some day.  I don't know when I started thinking that of you as a permanent fixture in my life, but I know I wanted you to stay. Everyone else around us saw something.  Maybe the feelings I had for you were manufactured.  Maybe everyone else had so much influence over me and they convinced me we were perfect. At some point I believed you were a good person and we just fit together - that you and I were going to be epic. 

One of the things I've learned as an adult is that change is good.  That's right.  I've accepted one of the things that I have never accepted until now and that is the idea of change being good.  

Going into the Summer of 2018, I have so many new opportunities to take.  I've come a long way since I started writing Jackie Doesn't Know Crap. I was a naive 16 year old girl who didn't know what the world was going to offer her and here I am today, 25 years old and seeing how the world opened all it's doors to me when I finally opened my eyes.  

But that means I have to let go of some people. Adjusting to a life without people you once depended on takes a lot of strength.  Since I graduated high school, I stopped talking to basically every single person I was once friends with... There is only one person who I talked to all throughout college and even after I graduated.  He was someone I trusted with all my secrets.  He was someone that I could count on when I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.  He was someone that I only needed to listen to me when I was having a bad day. 

When I turned 25, I think something inside of me clicked.  Something finally registered that having him in my life was like keeping a poison next to my diet coke.  I'm not really sure how that makes sense, but to me it did and that's all that matters.