Just a lot of 'Maybes' and Honesty

Can you believe it’s October already? The last time I updated was in April.  I was teaching. I was thriving with teaching at home because I had a great teaching partner.  I was miserable because there was no baseball (the World Series literally starts today).  I was miserable because I couldn’t see my friends. This post is basically a recap of my summer and ends in a weird life choice that I made. You can judge me if you want, but remember it’s my life and I live with all the choices that I’ve made. I don’t regret those choices.  I did some things this summer that made me genuinely happy and that’s a feeling I’ve been wanting for basically as long as I’ve been updating this blog.  Besides, when you live in a pandemic you have to do anything that’s going to make you feel something other than dread. ​

I hadn't seen my friends in about two or three months during the pandemic.  Then restaurants opened up their patios and I saw my friends for the first time in months.  We drank all the wine at Rocky River Wine Bar and then went to Burntwood where I stole a Moscow Mule cup (it’s gold, and I was drunk, who wouldn’t take it?) and then we made the mistake of going to Around the Corner… It’s fine, we survived - we did not get the ‘rona. We were still smart and distanced and didn’t make a ton of plans.  I finished teaching for the school year and I went back to work at the restaurant I had been working at before the pandemic while applying to schools to be a teacher for the 2020-21 school year.  

My mental health really took a toll during quarantine. I knew it was happening.  I felt it.  I know myself well enough after battling the demons for so long I could feel the physical changes in my brain (mental changes?). I had known for months that I wanted to change the meds I was on because I didn’t think they were working.  I had been on the same medication for nearly four years and at some point I’m going to build a resistance to it.  I started crying every night again and that’s not supposed to happen when you’re being treated properly.  I felt anxious all the time, going to work was sort of helping because I was interacting with people again, but I was working every single day basically and I worked so many hours that I pretty much lived at the restaurant. But even getting out of the house wasn’t helping.  Thankfully I had a doctor’s appointment coming up in July and I managed to get her to change my meds back to something that was going to give me a better serotonin boost.  

I spent my entire summer working and kept myself distracted - that’s how I deal with my mental illness… Distract myself until it doesn't exist.  That’s the wrong way to deal with it.  So changing my meds was a big deal for me.  Usually I force myself to stop taking them and then think I’m fine. This change was big and immediate.  If I’m being honest, working and getting out of the house was the first step in improving my health.  The second step then was the drugs.  Within a couple of weeks, I was feeling like a whole new person.  I was actually happy. I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t trying to get out of plans.  I was doing things that I had said I would do but ultimately knew I wouldn’t.  And they were good (depending on how you actually view what I was doing) things - or at least things that made me FEEL good.  And that’s the point of all this life stuff… doing things that make you feel good. 

So I was drinking and texting a guy. This is not a big revelation.  I am social.  I have always had friends who are guys.  I think I’m pretty and some of these guys think so too.  He was also drinking. He invited me over and (this where I would have normally been like, lol nope) I actually went over there. But there’s a twist - and it’s a twist most people won’t agree with - he had a girlfriend. Does this make my moral compass broken? Maybe. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so. You might think so, dear reader.  I’m sure you have your judgments.  I am sure there are people out there who think I’m a homewrecker and I should know better.  You could ask me “What if you were the girlfriend and he was cheating on you?” Well, then that seems like a him problem because I’m pretty fucking great.  A guy I dated once said to one of my friends, “If he’s not having sex with you, he’s having sex with someone else.”  While I do not truly agree with that statement because who knows what your relationship is like, there’s probably some truth to that.  But again, you don’t know why he did it.  

Remember when I was talking about my happiness and how I got there? I was getting out of my house instead of continuing quarantine forever, changed my meds, and started doing things that made me happy.  Sometimes even in a relationship, you aren’t happy.  And sometimes no matter what you do, it's hard to pull the trigger and just end things.  We don’t know what is happening in that relationship.  I don’t care.  I mean, I care a little because it sort of does affect my life, but that isn’t my relationship. Maybe they just aren’t happy. Maybe he was just drunk and it was a one time thing.  We’re still friends.  We still talk.  But I go about my life in a way that I want to go about my life. 

Here’s the best part about this story - I’ve been that girl before… The girl who talks to the guy with a girlfriend.  Mostly because I was there first.  I was friends with them first. Things just happen.  But I have never before acted on any of my feelings or desires.  For ten years, I spent my time talking to a guy who was with someone else.  But we were friends, too.  What’s wrong with that? We never did anything, so why does it matter. 

One of my friends and I were talking about how things we are told as children and seem taboo for adults have been sort of normal for us.  Maybe we’re just very accepting of each other. Perhaps this is what life is about.  One day all of this might backfire on me, but when that day comes I’ll know that I made the choices I made to feel good, even if just for a moment. 

But here are some more updates that have nothing to do with my being a dirty mistress. 

I am not teaching this year.  Or at least right now in this moment I am not teaching.  I am not applying to new teaching jobs right now because there aren’t any and it’s very difficult to find the motivation when you are still living in a pandemic and no one can agree on how to teach kids at the moment (weirdly, even after six months, we cannot agree on the best practices).  

I am a “fake” manager at the restaurant I work at now.  I actually really like my job.  I like the people I work with and I like having a guaranteed wage when the restaurant can be slow sometimes. I do miss serving sometimes, but I serve a few times a week and I really enjoy those days too.  

I turn 28 in a few months and being in my late 20s is really not as daunting as I thought it would be.  I mean, it still kind of sucks because I’m geting old, but I am also finding peace in the fact that my life didn’t work out the same way that everyone else’s is or that my plans didn’t all fall into place.  Happiness is such a weird thing and it’s so powerful.  Being at peace is a great gift that I’ve given myself. 

I started practicing tarot reading and some witchcraft. I’m not the best, but I’m learning and I love it.  

And finally, I got my nose pierced.  I always thought I would get my lip pierced, but here we are.  I felt the nose piercing fit my personality a little better and helped me embrace the witch-aesthetic. It looks cute.  My dad took 90 minutes to notice it, which was longer than I thought it would take; my boss took 15 minutes to notice it, which is way shorter than I thought it would take.  My dad does not care; Michael said I am not allowed to take my mask off at work now. It’s fine.  It’s my face, I’ll do what I want.  At least I didn’t get some teardrops tattooed on my face. 

Anyway - maybe it won’t be six months before I update again. I’m sure it will be.  I’m the worst.  The holidays are coming up so I might have some updates and fun stuff.  I should really just continue the Corona Chronicles, but that might be dead.  Who knows. Whatever. 

Thanks for coming around, reader. 

xo, Jax

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